why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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