I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Can I color on your dick again?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
