I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
