Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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