I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
