Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
