Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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