Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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