I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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