How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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