I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
