Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
