3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
