evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
