And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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