Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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