I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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