Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.