Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"