The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
