cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The struggles of a small town man whore
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
