It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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