I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
