I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
