You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
dude i'm inner monologue high
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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