I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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