I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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