When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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