Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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