Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
