Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
