Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
