this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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