Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
