Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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