i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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