when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You are a genius and a whore.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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