i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
