weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
