So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
