you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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