you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
