I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
