I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
