Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
i think my cat just said my name.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
