who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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