Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
