Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
