Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
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Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
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His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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