wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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