Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
