yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
