I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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