Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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