How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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